“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones.” – Kristin Hannah (my mother’s favorite author)

My mom was my best friend. Losing her was truly like losing a piece of my soul and I’m still grappling daily to figure out how to function without her. I still subconsciously reach for my phone to call her when I’m in the car. I still see places I want to travel to and realize she’s the only one I want to go there with. I still burst into tears seemingly out of nowhere while I’m doing something as routine as eating dinner. It has only been 3 months since she vanished from my life but the reality of her absence still alludes me. The entire experience of her passing, her funeral, her visitation and the hours/days/weeks/months that followed have given me an unwanted but clear view into dealing with grief and loss. It has displayed to me how I wish others had acted and things I wish they would say [or not say]; and it has helped me realize what I need to do to keep my head above water during this time of feeling utterly overwhelmed.

Trying to navigate your way through helping a loved one deal with a great loss in their life is uncomfortable and incredibly difficult. It feels like walking on eggshells at times, but the biggest thing you can do is simply BE THERE. Don’t make up excuses or disappear because of your own discomfort; you owe it to them to be there and show your support. Funerals suck; that’s just part of life; and the reality of it is one day you will be experiencing this same grief and will need them just as much. Visitations and funerals are not for the deceased; they are for the living. They exist to provide closure and, yes, honor the deceased, but purely for the livings’ benefit. BE THERE. No matter what your excuse is, the grieving will not hear it. It won’t matter if it was because of work or your kids or whatever…all they will know is you weren’t there when they need you most. I was blown away by the number of people from my uncles’ jobs that showed up to give their condolences; don’t ever feel like it is inappropriate for you to be at a visitation or funeral because you didn’t know the deceased personally; remember, this isn’t for them.

When I found myself at the center of the decision making for my mom’s arrangements, it felt like I had to decide a million things all at once. I had so many well-intentioned people asking me what I needed them to do. At that point in time, these questions were so overwhelming and the last thing I wanted to do. I understand genuinely wanting to know what someone can do to help a situation; instead, though, my best friend Sam handled this in the most perfect way possible. Instead of asking me what I needed, she put in an order for craft supplies to make the picture boards that would be featured at the visitation and funeral and let me know she would be coming over to help make these boards with all the supplies needed. She didn’t wait for me to ask her to do this; she simply thought of something she could do and took action. I can’t express how much I needed someone to do this. Asking a grieving person who is trying to navigate their way through planning funeral arrangements what they want you to do can add stress to an already unbearable situation; sometimes, it is unavoidable and this discussion needs to be had. When possible though, just take action; whatever you do will be helpful and so much appreciated.

There is a certain phrase that people utter to those grieving probably more than any other: “Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.” Almost everyone will say this to the grieving at one point or another, however, more often than not, a person in mourning is not going to ask you for anything. Your words can sometimes fall on deaf ears. Fresh grief renders the most productive and intelligent people in a haze of emotion and lack of ability to concentrate and function as they normally would. Again, when possible, don’t ask; just do something. Another route could be to volunteer yourself for something specific and ask if this would be okay. This helps take the stress out of delegating tasks for the grieving. Some may be concerned with overstepping their boundaries and offending someone; 9 times out of 10 you absolutely will not be; however, communicating with the grieving what you wish to help them with and getting their okay will be key to avoiding this all together. Without my aunts, uncles and amazing family friends doing behind the scenes tasks all that first week without my mom, the entire thing would have been even more stressful for me, my brothers and my dad. We needed all of them and by simply stepping up to the plate and delegating among themselves, it truly made all the difference.

People will say a lot of different things to you when you’re in a time of grief. Some are helpful; some are so awkward they’re funny; some are downright offensive. Try to remember: THEY MEAN WELL. Try to take each comment with as much grace as you can muster. Nobody is trying to deliberately upset you, but based on my personal proximity to completely and utterly losing my shit those first few days after my moms passing, I understand the lack of patience. Here’s a taste of what I heard in the wake of my moms passing and my internal reaction to each:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.” — YES!! Perfection!! SAY THIS if you don’t know what else to say. You can also hug me if that’s your thing.
• “My _______  passed away a year ago so I know how you feel.”—NOPE! In any other setting, at any other time, I would care VERY much about your loss. But right now, in this very second, in the middle of my mother’s visitation, I do not give one iota of a shit about your dead relative. Not a single one. This moment is about my loved one and our sadness about losing her. Selfish? Sure, but it’s the truth. Don’t mention your loss. It’s not your moment.
• A hug + “This really sucks.”— Yes, it does. I greatly appreciated the person who let the situation just be what it is. An absolute crap moment in time. It did suck. And that’s just being honest.
• “You have to be happy knowing she’s in a better place.”—Someone actually said this to me in line at my mom’s [6 hour long] visitation. And, to be frank, they’re lucky they didn’t lose their head. DON’T say this to people who just lost their loved one. First of all, I don’t HAVE to feel any certain way, least of all happy; second of all, you don’t know what my beliefs of what happens to you after you die entail and now is neither the time nor place to place your religious beliefs onto others. I DON’T know she is in a better place. I just know she is not here with me and your words are not helpful.
• “She isn’t suffering any more.” — This isn’t the worst thing to say but it’s also not the best. It mostly just makes me think of how much she was suffering at the end of her life. Go another route.
• “Your mom was so beautiful.” “So many people loved your mom.” “You look just like your mom.” “I remember when your mom….*insert memory here*.”— Yes, yes, YES. All the yeses [is that a word?]. Remember my mom! That is why we’re all here in the first place: because we love her and are going to miss the absolute heck out of her. I don’t ever want you to stop sharing these memories and how important she was to you. Talk about her as much as you like. Now and in all the years to come.

How can I help?

• Bring food/bottled water to the family during the visitation, especially if it is a long one. Someone arranged for food to be available for the immediate family in a back room during the visitation. This was AWESOME…until the visitation lasted for 6 hours and we didn’t have an ideal chance to break away and eat something. The people who brought us a sandwich or water to eat/drink quickly while still in the greeting line were lifesavers. It was so much help.
• Bring freezable food to the family for use over the next few days to weeks after everything calms down. The immediate family will find themselves hosting a lot of people, especially out of town family. These easily heated up or baked meals were very helpful to feed large numbers of people. It also helps over the following weeks when motivation to cook may just not be there, especially if the matriarch of the family was the primary chef and they are the one that passed. On the flip side of this, try to coordinate as much as possible with others so the family doesn’t end up overwhelmed with meals. We actually had to run out and buy another fridge to accommodate all the meals we had made. This was SO awesome and a testament to how much people loved our mom so I have no complaints; some families just don’t have the option to simply buy another fridge.
• Along the same lines, gift certificates to local restaurants are a great idea; sometimes eating at home sounds less than ideal without your loved one.
• An incredibly helpful gift we were given was a huge roll of stamps. This is a GENIUS idea if you are looking for something more practical than flowers or just something different. The amount of thank you’s that were sent in the weeks after my mom’s services were jaw-dropping and the cost of stamps would have been ridiculous without this donation.
• Devastatingly, life keeps on going by even after your world is rocked by loss. Helping alleviate daily stressors is one of the best things you can do for the grieving. My mom’s coworkers gifted my dad with house cleaning services through the end of the year and this has proven to be INCREDIBLY helpful. If you want to offer your own time and services (laundry/dishes/vacuuming/etc.), that will also be extremely helpful.
• Gift cards for “fun” such as retail therapy. This is less practical as it is enjoyable. Many people also need to buy appropriate funeral clothing if they didn’t previously own anything. Side story: I personally went to my local Maurice’s to buy 2 black dresses the day before my mom’s visitation and funeral; this was so difficult and I was hardly keeping myself together while shopping. When the sweet girl who helped me out asked what I was shopping for that day, I was honest and blunt with her. This is the message she left on my changing room mirror. And I guarantee I won’t ever forget her kind gesture. Dixon Maurice’s guys…support them! What amazing service.

• If children are in the picture, offering to take them for the day [especially in the craziness of those first few days of planning and needing to be many places at once] can be incredibly advantageous. That is certainly not always the place for a child to be and the grieving adults need to have as many worries removed as possible.
• Be patient; your grieving loved one may be grouchy or short with you. Try to overlook it and not take their hostility as anything more than grief. I know I was much snappier with one of my aunts while we set up picture boards and mementos for my mom’s visitation than I ever would have normally been [Sorry Cindy!!]. I was in no way mad or frustrated at her, but in that moment I was so close to falling apart that I mentally could not handle one more question. Know that they’re only snapping at you because they know you’ll still love them at the end of the day.
• Be willing to witness very uncomfortable situations. They will inevitably, at some point, completely fall apart emotionally. Be willing to witness their break down(s). My boyfriend Braden has held me while I ugly scream cry so hard that I hyperventilate multiple times throughout all of this. His willingness to just be there while I fall apart means so much because it IS uncomfortable to watch. It’s hard to know what to do or say. Just be there in those moments and know it’s perfectly okay to be quiet and just hold them while they grieve.
• Keep touching base with your grieving loved one in the weeks to months after. My advice– although it is perfectly acceptable to do so, try not to ask them “how are you?” because the answer is “not good/super shitty/etc.” if they’re going to be honest with you. Instead, just tell them you’re thinking of them. Tell them you love them. That’s what they need at this time is to feel loved and supported through this life-altering change.
• TALK ABOUT THE LOST LOVED ONE! This is so huge. On holidays especially, bring them up and remember the fun times you had with the deceased; remember how beautiful their smile was or even how much you miss them. My mom went through a phase several Christmases ago where she made a holiday-themed runner for legit EVERY female she loved. This Christmas, shortly after losing her, I received so many pictures of people’s runners that they came across when decorating their homes for Christmas. I loved this. I loved that something my mom put her heart into was displayed in so many peoples’ homes and so many thought of her during this festive time. It warmed my heart and made the holiday slightly more bearable. Don’t be afraid to bring them up [any time…not just at holidays]; we don’t want you to forget them either.

If you ARE the one grieving:

• Be gentle with yourself!! Allow yourself to grieve in any [healthy] manner that you need to. Be okay with feeling absolutely anything at all in the wake of your loss because I promise you, you will feel the full spectrum of human emotion. My brother Austin and I had a discussion shortly after my moms passing about how we both felt an odd sense of relief when mom passed, followed immediately by intense guilt that we felt that way. However, after talking through our feelings, we realized it was simply that after EIGHT years of moms cancer battle and constantly worrying about her and whether or not she’d be okay, we didn’t have anything to worry about anymore. The worst of the worst had happened and we were still standing. It did provide an odd sense of relief, however that took NOTHING away from our devastation and intense heartbreak. Allow yourself the grace you need to feel it all. Grief is NOT a linear process.
• Express yourself however you need to. Cry. Don’t cry. Don’t feel like you have to react a certain way. I personally do not usually cry in front of others, especially in a setting such as a visitation or funeral. I probably appeared very calm and collected during these events, but inside, I was falling apart. I think it is probably the ER nurse in me, but if someone else is crying, I don’t cry. After years of being trained to comfort others and deal with my own emotion in the privacy of my car/the break room/NOT in front of my patient, I can turn it off quite easily when in public. I grieve behind closed doors and, most often, alone. This is okay. It is ALL okay.
• Be patient with others. As previously mentioned, people will say some dumb crap to you in the wake of your loss. Remember that they are grieving as well and just trying to keep their own head above water. At times during my experience of losing my mom, it was hard to think about the fact that anyone else was experiencing the loss like I was. It’s hard not to feel selfish at times and like this is more your loss in some way than anyone else’s. Try to show others the grace that they are likely showing you. Lean on them and let them lean back if you can handle it.
• Again, know that GRIEF IS NOT LINEAR. It will hit you at the most random of times and for a very, very long time. Emotions will come and go and them come back again. Car rides for me feel overwhelming a lot of times. Certain songs will set me off. The quiet moments before bed are sometimes rough. Dreams about my mom seem to fill my heart but also almost kill me. It will be a jumbled mess of emotions for a long time and that is okay. It will be your new normal and you will just have to learn to adjust with it.
• Ask for help if you need it! You are NOT alone and there are tons of people out there (remember all those offers of “If you need anything, let me know”??) who would love to help you out. When something like death or loss happens, all people want is to feel like they were able to do something to help. LET THEM. You’re doing yourself and others a favor by allowing them to actively participate in caring for you.
• Take care of yourself!! First off, EAT SOMETHING. For me personally, grief and stress take away my appetite. My amazing boyfriend was so good at making sure I’d eaten something throughout that first week. Try to eat as healthy as possible, drink lots of water and get some good sleep. Great loss takes a huge toll on your body that you may not even realize is happening. Try to exercise, journal, read, whatever you need to do to work through the stress of the situation. Oh, and when the dust settles, get ready for a bit of a cold…I don’t know if it’s all the cortisol (stress hormone) in your body or what but this happens ALL the time. Take care of your body and your mind as thoroughly as possible. And if you find yourself wanting to talk to an unbiased third party, check out Bending Birch Counseling which is owned and operated by Kim Rapach, an amazing woman who I very much respect.

I want to personally thank all of my incredible family and friends for all of their continued support while I figure out how to keep on keeping on. From days spent watching old home videos with my brothers, Cherish and Braden to the phone calls and texts I still receive regularly, the magnitude of love I am lucky enough to have from all of you does not escape me. I cherish my family and friends so much and could never express how grateful I am for each and every one of you. My hope for anyone out there, should you ever experience a loss like this, is that you find the support and love I am blessed with every day. It has truly made all the difference.

Graceful travels <3