Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, Match.com, OkCupid…the list goes on and on. For single adults in 2019, it is almost a requirement to be on at least one dating app or website. Why is this? For me personally, dating apps take the place of going out to a bar to meet other singles near me. I don’t drink much and I hate the idea of sitting in a bar wasting my time, energy and money on something I don’t even enjoy doing.

Instead, I spend my time building the life that I want to make for myself and browse perspective dating options from the comfort of my own home when I have time. This being said, Tinder, specifically, has “gifted” me with some really great dates, a 10 month relationship (which turned out to be a disaster, but that’s hardly Tinder’s fault), and MANY terrible interactions that never turned into dates…because they got blocked. Immediately.

It’s HARD to find a good guy or gal that you can actually see having a relationship with and there are a PLETHORA of horrible choices on these apps. Anyone who has ever used a dating app will 100% relate and tell you that trying to find a legitimate partner is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. For those of you who are looking at revamping your online dating life or for those of you who have yet to explore this avenue…don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here’s a walk-through guide to navigating the horrible, weird, sometimes rewarding, often boring, digital version of dating in today’s world. Welcome to online dating.

Your first step is going to be to choose which app you want to use. I personally use Tinder and Bumble but I’ve tried several others and always find myself going back to the basics. Tinder is probably my favorite so that’s where the focus of this is going to be. Tinder is easy: look at pictures and a small bio and then swipe left for “no” or right for “yes”. Whatever you do, don’t swipe up…this “super likes” someone and only creepers use this feature. [I will occasionally use a super like ironically if I run into a friend’s profile and want to be dumb, but that’s rare.] Download the app and create your profile; this means you will need to pick 6 photos of yourself that include:

-1 close up of you smiling WITH teeth showing

-1 close up with no sunglasses or hat on

-1 full body shot

-1 doing something you’re interested in

Photo Rules:

-No blurry pictures

-No group shots where people have to play Where’s Waldo to figure out which one is you

-No photos of sports team logos or anything that isn’t you (WHY??)

-No glory day pics from your high school football/cheerleading days…current photos only!

-Don’t have a hat or sunglasses on in every single picture

I will swipe left IMMEDIATELY if you have any of the following:

-overly suggestive pictures [there’s a balance between impressive and aggressive]

-clearly drunk pictures or pics you look like a hot mess in

-pics of you flipping off the camera

-scowling in all pics

-all Where’s Waldo photos [ain’t nobody got time for that]

-looking like a completely different person from one pic to the next…what do you look like NOW??

-professionally done photos (uh, hello Catfish)

As your swipe through profile after profile, you will come across some very interesting [not in a good way] biography sections. Some are laughable, some are terrifying and some just beg the question “but why?”. Here is a small sampling of things I’ve personally come across that men have written in their bios and how they can be translated into what they REALLY mean. I’ll call this section…

So in Other Words…

“I hate drama so if that’s you, swipe left” = I attract drama because I am, in fact, dramatic.

“I’m terrible about making the first move so message me first.” = I’m insecure or lazy. Or both.

“Don’t swipe right unless you’re actually going to message with me. Not here for a pen pal.” = I’m jaded and a touch aggressive and, also, I just want to have sex with you.”

“Not looking to message back and forth on here for days, would rather do it face to face.” = I’m impatient, hyper-aggressive and again, just want to have sex with you.

*Insert snap code here*= I’m immature and you’ll probably be getting unsolicited dick pics of me in the near future. Also, show me your boobs. [Disclaimer: Getting your snap code later on is different that openly advertising it in your profile.]

“Just in town for the weekend.” = I’m looking for a hook up.

“I’m actually *enter age here that isn’t what my profile says*” = I’m too dumb to enter my birthday correctly into this app OR I’m weird and  up to something sneaky/creepy and trying to match with people who clearly are not interested in my age group.

“I never know what to put here.” = I’m a fairly shitty conversationalist.

“I am very attractive.” = I am most likely NOT attractive at all. [This is not something you need to tell people unless they are blind so, again, just why??]

Having 1 blurry picture and 5 pics of sports team logos or random crap= I am in no way a good candidate and you should swipe left immediately.

Including pictures of your small children = I make poor choices. Your babies have no business being featured on a Tinder profile.

Scowling in all photos = I’m angry and may kill you. Or I have very jacked up teeth.

Picture of 1 really hot guy and one very not hot guy = a 90% chance the guy you’re talking to is the ugly one. [Female profiles are opposite…why would I want to show you my hotter friend? I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.]

Snapchat filter on all pics = I am insecure, immature and most likely, unattractive.

No bio = Tinder is simply a source of entertainment and you should expect nothing serious from me. Expectations should be kept very low with this one.

FYI…

Guys should know that women almost always read their bios so I would advise the gentlemen to write at least a little something. Men on the other hand are visual creatures; they want to see your photos and then if they’re attracted/interested, they will get info directly from you by engaging conversation and asking questions.

That being said, the ladies should still have a fun bio that expresses who you are without being too lengthy or serious. Women want to know a little more before they decide whether a guy is worth talking to or not. Simple humor is always a good idea, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, just some basic info will work. Tell us what you do for a living or a couple things you’re into. Quote something funny from a well-known TV show or movie.

Real Life Meet Up

This is the scariest part of meeting someone online, especially if you have no frame of reference or a mutual friend who can vouch that they aren’t going to murder you and bury you in a shallow grave. One of my biggest anxieties with online dating stems from the fear that I won’t recognize the person when I meet up with them because they look so much different than their profile pictures. This legit terrifies me, however, realistically, there are much bigger things that all women using online dating apps should be afraid of: our safety!

How to stay sexy and not get murdered:

-When meeting someone new that nobody can vouch for, ALWAYS meet them somewhere mutual where you can easily get out of the situation. Don’t let them come to your house until you know what they’re all about!

-Facebook creep them ahead of time. This is not hard to do and will likely let you be able to get a better feel for them prior to meeting in real life. I even have friends that look potential dates up on judiciary websites to see if they have a criminal record [it’s public info…look into it].

-Make sure a friend knows where you are going! Consider activating the GPS on your phone so a close friend can track where you are if needed.

-If you aren’t sure you’re going to be into someone, meet up for a drink with your match and take a friend with. If it’s going well and you are comfortable [and you’ll know within the first 5 minutes], your friend can dip out and let you two have a more private first date.

Overall, dating is supposed to be fun and online dating is no exception. The greatest part about digitized dating, is how easy it is to un-match and block people so you never have to hear from them again if they turn out to be something different than what you expected. As dating apps increasingly become the norm of dating, more and more people are hopping on board. Make sure your profile stands out and represents who you truly are so you match with people you could truly foresee a future with [if that is what you’re looking for]. Keep communication open and expectations clear and realize that, just like at your local bar, some people are only there for a hook up and some are going to be straight up weirdos. Whatever your ultimate Tinder goal is, BE SAFE, be smart and don’t be afraid to try something new!  

Happy swiping <3